How am I doing?????

I have had this asked to me a lot lately, and I never tell them how I really am, because most people do not take my answer. I have been told I need to have a hobby, that a hobby would help relieve stress. In whose life? I am not someone that will sit do something, like that. I do have a hobby I read.

Someone the other day asked me how I was doing with the death of my father, and I said fine until people brought it up. There are times that I need to talk about my Dad and I need to laugh at some of the things he did, I am getting better at looking for the good things. I have challenged myself to make a list of 5-10 things every day, and let them good start taking place of the memories of dad in the hospital. That is helping some.

I also wrote a letter to my dad and went to the cemetery one day, and read the letter to Dad. I know he wouldn't want me to go around be depressed, he also would want me to kill myself, and he wouldn't want our family to grow airport. Lots to live up to here, I hope he is here to help me do all this.

I guess it is time to go to bed now. I will write as I can tomorrow, there are some things that God has taught me over the past few weeks.

To all my friends in Van Buerne I miss you, and you have all been in my thoughts and prayers lately!

Kellyne

And then I was sick

I have also been sick, several different times over the past few months. I have the sinus stuff, but then don't we all :o) I have had both stomach viruses that have gone around here. My birthday was October 29th, and I was sick even for that.

Sunday, November 12th, I woke up from a nap, and found myself unable to walk very well. To the point I was leaning against the wall and following that wall to the bathroom. I went back and laid down and thought it will be better in a little while. Nope it wasn't.

I couldn't find my mother, so I called my brother, he took me to the ERA and by this time I was party incoherent. When they checked me, they thought I was having an allergic reaction to something, got taken strait back to one of the rooms, on goes the oxygen mask for a little while, and then they take blood. They still can't figure why I have lost all since of balance. I had no pain in my ears, it just happened. Well the ER doctor, decided I needed to stay. I thought fine I will stay tonight and go home on Monday.

Then the doctor came in and told me that the next day they would take me down stairs for some tests, and that is when the panic set in. Mom had left, I told her to, I was just waiting to get moved to a room. Then I told the ER doctor that before they any tests on my downstairs I was talking to my doctor first, and I was told this was my right. Although he was out of town, and the ER didn't notify his office that one of his patients was admitted to the hospital on Sunday night. So no one Dr wise came to see me on Monday, then Tuesday they did. It turns out I am anemic.....I have 5 bleeding ulcers, and an extreme case of Vertigo. The Vertigo is getting better.

On Thursday I get to have even more fun and have a colonoctoscopy done. Anyone want to take me place?

Kelly

One Foot In ....... One Foot Out

Hey Every one! I almost feel like I need to take this blog down and start all over, I have not been a very good blogger, I will also let you know, I will try to get you the highlights of my life since I posted last, but I may miss some. I am also going to break them up into several different postings.

One Foot In..................One Foot Out, I know you have to be wondering what I am talking about. I am talking about my life in general, I have one foot hanging out over here with the deep dark depression. Leave me alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, and then get upset because everyone is staying away.

One Foot In.....................Is the point about once a week that everything clicks for a few monuments, and live seem to have some clarity for me,.

Recently I haven't been the kind of friend that I need to be to myself. I have set way too many goals, come up with too many projects and so on.

Kelly

Where Have I been?

That is a good question. Things are busy at home right now, I am trying to pack to move a little closer to work. I have 4 more days that I have to drive so far, and then I will be like 10 minutes from work! I am looking forward to that!

Emotionally I am not doing so well right now. I thought things were suppose to get easier as time went on, not harder. Right now I feel like everything is more difficult than it was before. Maybe because the numbness is starting to wear off. Right now I wish the numbness was still here. Each day seems like a new reminder that my Dad is no longer here! And to be really honest, it is hard right now.

I really want to throw a temper tantrum and stomp my feet and all that, but it doesn't do any good. Please no one else tell me I wouldn't want my Dad back from Heaven, he is better off now, and all the other things that people say. The truth is if I could have him back right now, I would. OK, that's all I can type right now, cause I have tears running down my face one again.

John 12 - What am I willing to sacrifice

There is almost too much to go into with chapter 12 I think I could write forever. This is one of my favorite chapters. So, I am going to just pick out one part, for now anyway.

12:3 Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

What stands out to me, isn't so much the fact that Mary used an expensive ointment. That is important too, because I believe it shows Mary didn't hold anything back from Jesus. Yes, the ointment could have been sold and the money used for the poor, but Mary did something much more important with it.

Mary not only used the ointment on Jesus' feet, but she used her hair to wipe his feet. I believe at this point Mary totally submited herself to Jesus. She wasn't afraid of what others would think, she wasn't afraid of getting her hair on his feet, she wanted to SERVE Jesus.

As I read this chapter this morning, I have had to ask myself am I totally sold out to Jesus. If He was standing here today, would I give him something expensive, not only by the worlds standard, the oil, but personally, by washing his feet. I would love to sit here and be very spiritual and say, Of course I would. But I have to wonder. There are days that I put off reading His word. There are days I put off praying. There are days I put off doing what I know he wants me to do. Why do I do this?

For convience. I am too busy, I have this to do, and I have that to do, and I am so wrapped up in myself.

Father, I pray that you would help me be more like Mary. Find ways that I can make daily sacrifices for you. Lord I pray for each of the ladies that read John 12 today that you speak to them in a very special way, and You would show each one of us, what it is in our life you would have us sacrifice for you! Thank you for all You sacrificed for me, so I could have the abudent life you have given me. In Jesus name, Amen!

Kelly

John 11

V25 - 26
Jesus said unto her, "I am the resurrection, and the life; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in my shall never die. Believest though this?

During the days of my Dad's hospital stay, I was confronted with John 11. Why does God choose to heal some people and not others? The morning (late night) my Dad died, I had been reading these verses. It was like God challenged me with these questions:

1) Do I believe that Jesus is the resurrection?
Yes, I do.

2) Do I believe that Jesus is life?
Yes, I do.

Not only do I believe this, but I know my Dad believed it as well. Jesus goes on to say, he that believeth in me, though he were dead yet shall he live. I know that even though my Dad is no longer here with me, he is alive in heaven, and enjoying seeing what heaven is like. Jesus tells us that those of us that believe we shall never die.
OK, so yes, this is still hard for me to accept. Good days I do, bad days I don't. Jesus did heal my Dad just not the way I WANTED. I have to submit my will to what God wants, not what I want. I was so like Mary and Martha, Jesus you are too late, Daddy died. But Jesus is never too late, He is always right on time, for HIS PERFECT PURPOSE!

In vs 43 Jesus called Lazarus by name to come forth. I have heard it said that Jesus had to use his name or everyone dead would have come forth. Personally, I believe Jesus used Lazarus' name be Jesus KNEW Lazarus, and it was much more personal, than just OK, You come forth. (That is my personal opinion, nothing I can confirm)

Kelly

Do You Ever Struggle?

Do you ever struggle? I do!!!! If you have read my blog, you can see that I have some struggles right now. One that I have not shared before now, is how this year has affected my relationship with God.
Since the death of my father, I have had questions for God.

1) Why did You allow my Dad to die?

2) Why did my family have to go through the entire CCU process?

3) Why did You choose not to heal my Dad here?

4) God are You really there? Do You really care?

5) God, where are You in the midst of all my pain now?

Don’t get me wrong I DO NOT question who God is. I DO NOT question God as the Creator, or Jesus being our Savior. These questions bothered me until I finally talked to my Pastor. I was told that this is all normal. There are days that I can’t pray, that I spend my quiet time, literally in tears crying out to my Heavenly Father.

I am the person in my family that my mother and my aunt has turned to. My Uncle died a few days before my father. I have found comfort in some scriptures. There are so many more, but these are the ones that come quickly to mind.

Mathew 5:4 Blessed are those that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Psalm 68:5 A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.

Romans 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

God is showing me that when I am depressed and when I miss my father the most, that singing praises to Him will help life me out of the depths I am sinking. I find myself crying and trying to sing, and I believe God honors that. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without God. And even though I don’t understand God’s plan in my fathers death. I have to believe that God is still the Almighty God, and He knows what His plan is. I also know that there is a time appointed to each of us to die.

I am currently leading a Bible Study at my place of work, as well as I teach a class on Wednesday nights. I take both these positions very seriously. I believe as the leader of the Bible Study at work it is my place to life these women up in prayer. There are a couple in the study, that I know are not saved. They are asking questions, and I am believing God is going to bring them to the point of salvation. I also believe teaching a class of 3rd through 5th grade girls, requires not only time study the lesson and preparing it, but also time in prayer for the girls in my class.

What I find missing most in my life right now, is just me and God time. I am currently working 50-60 hours a week, outside my home. My Church activities, and then some personal friends. I know I need time in God’s Word, that is just personal time, but finding where to fit it in is my problem. Then there is also the, I pick up my Bible and cry time. I know God is walking with me right now, but I will be really honest, sometimes I feel all alone.

With my Uncle dying and me not feeling like I can turn to my Aunt, and of course my Uncle, it has left my life void of the people that I have always turned to. I am usually a very up beat person, who doesn’t have struggles like this. It is a new place in my life, and do I like it? NO I don’t. I am use to having my Aunt and Uncle, or my Mom, or my Dad that I can talk to and tell how I am feeling. Who is there just to give me a hug. Since February I have lost that. And yes, I feel like I am circling out here by myself.

If you have never experienced the loss of a parent, I am not sure you can even understand what I am saying. I never realized anything could be as painful as this is. I never realized something could turn your life upside down like this has done for me. I never realized you could feel so alone in a room full of people. I never realized you could cry everyday for almost two months and still have tears to cry.

Kelly

Planning a Move

It is Friday, April 28th, in the evening after work. On top of everything else going on in my life, I am trying to move. I currently drive about 50 miles a day round trip. In my SUV, I am spending between $200.00 - $250.00 a month in gas. YUCK! I also have about a 40 minute commute each way. So, I am moving closer to work, about a 10 minute commute each way! YEAH! My gas consumption will go way down as well! Another YEAH!
We started this back in January, and then life went upside down. So, I have a lot already packed. The down side is, when I am depressed, I don’t do ANYTHING around my trailer. No comments here Christy! I am trying to pack and clean. Which is a good thing overall, but can be very overwhelming as well!

I came home this afternoon and had a burst of energy, and actually I have gotten a lot done. Not close to be finished, but at least I feel like I have accomplished something. I wish it wasn’t raining this week end so I could take stuff to my storage unit, but it is, so I will work on doing more cleaning than packing. I have designated my extra bedroom as the “gathering place”. Everything I don’t know what to do with right now is going on the bed. Shoes at the foot of the bed, dirty close in front of the bathroom door (I don’t use this bathroom), and the trash bags for trash.

I have that bedroom done, as well as the living room. I decided I would start at one end of the trailer and work my way to the other end, which would be the bedroom I do use. YUCK! I am not looking forward to cleaning that room, cause it is a huge mess! Oh well, at least it will be done shortly. I am hoping to get all the sorting stuff done this week end. Then next week end, I can work on all the cleaning stuff.

The date to move the trailer is May 31st, so I have basically a month. I have convinced myself, if I do a little each night, I won’t be too overwhelmed. As quickly as everything went today, I think I really will be ok. The person I work with is excited that I am moving closer to her.

I am trying to convince her that I don’t do the bar scene or gamble. She does both. She said, well if you don’t want to drive you can become the Designated Driver, I said, I don’t go to bars. Anyway, she goes on Saturday night, I know I don’t need to stay out that late, or I won’t get up and go to Church. I am trying to convince her, she needs to go to Church with me. We will see how that goes!

I am not real sure what you do with a blog, except tell people what is going on in your life so that is what I am doing. I hope I am not boring you! The nice thing about the blogs are you can come read them when you have time, I guess.

Kelly

Dad - Part 2

OK, so it had taken me a few days to be able to come back and write anymore. Thank you to everyone who has told me they would pray for me, I know that is the only way I am getting through this right now.

As I was driving back to Northwest Arkansas, I called my Pastor. He was the first one that was really honest with me about what was going on. Also, the one thing he told me that I will always be grateful for is what to expect in the room with Dad. He told me about all the machines and all the tubes, and Dad was running a temperature, so they just had his mid section covered with a sheet. That was hard seeing my Dad like that.

When I got to the hospital, I went back to see my Dad for the first time. I have never had to face anything so hard in my life. Mom told me what the doctors were saying, and I wasn't ready to face it. The neurologist wasn't that promising about a recovery. I insisted we see another neurologist. I spent the night at the hospital. On Wednesday morning, the neurologist, came out and said, we should stop expecting any kind of a recovery. While the doctor was telling us this, my Uncle in Amarillo passed away. My Mom was sitting in the waiting room crying, trying to come to terms with what the doctor had just told us when my Aunt called. I had to take the phone away from my Mom because she was so upset.

I called my Grandmother to let her know about my Dad and my Uncle, and a few hours later I received a phone call that my Grandmother had had a stroke and was in the hospital 45 minutes away from me. I felt absolutely trapped. I didn't feel like I could leave my Dad and Mom, but needed to be there for my Grandmother. I called my parents Pastor, who lives in the same area as my Grandmother, and his wife went to check on my Grandmother, then drove down to spend some time with my Mom and myself.

Memaw is doing ok for now, the doctor has said he really doesn't expect her to live through out the year. I am praying that she makes it longer so my Mom and Aunt can heal some from loosing their husbands.

My father has taught school for 30 years in the same high school. We had lots of teacher, students, and parents stopping by to see Dad. My parents church put together a list so my Mom was never at the hospital alone, then there was my Church. We had lots of support for the most difficult time of our life.

The most amazing part of this story for me is, three years ago if this would have happened I would have been faced with knowing my Dad was going to hell. Today I know he is in heaven waiting for my mom and the rest of our family,

We spent 11 days at the hospital. I stayed back in the room most of that time with my Dad. My parents and I were all reading the Through the Bible in a Year. I took Dad's Bible in and read the section to him each day. I sat back there and sang, and if you have ever heard me sing, you know it isn't pretty, but I sang to my Dad and I said everything to him that I ever wanted to say.

Dad and I had a rough relationship for a long time. But we also had a lot of good times, and I cherish those moments now. One thing that I do know is my Dad loved me. I am not sure where I am going with this tonight, but I felt like posting something so I am trying.

Kelly

Dad - Part 1

This post may have to be broken into a couple, because it is going to be difficult for me to write. This year I have experienced the death of my father. He died March 10, 2006. If you would have asked me if I had a close relationship with my father, I would have told you not really. Much better than it was in the past. What I realize now, is how close my father and I were.

Late Wednesday night, February 22nd, my Mom took Dad to the ER with abdominal pain. They determined it was his gallbladder, or they thought it was. He was admitted to the hospital. Mom called me at work on Thursday morning, and I left work and went to the hospital. They did some test, I don’t remember at this point, and still couldn’t decide if it really was his gallbladder. Dad stayed in the hospital until Saturday.
The surgeon said, no it wasn’t his gallbladder, and turned his case back over to his regular physician. His doctor referred his case to another surgeon who said yes it is gallbladder. I still don’t understand why he was discharged from the hospital on Saturday, but he was. Saturday night he started feeling really bad, and was in a lot of pain again, Sunday was much of the same if not worse.

I had stopped by to check on Dad on Sunday. I was leaving on Monday to go to Louis and Brenda’s to help with baby Alyssa while Brenda had her tubes tied. I asked Mom if I needed to stay home with Dad probably having surgery this same week. Mom told me to go ahead and go, that it at least wouldn’t be Monday and she would keep me posted on what was going on. I told Dad I loved him, and to get better soon.

He got up Monday morning, February 27th, and was going to try and go to work. He is a teacher, and this was now nine week test week. He lasted 25 minutes at school.

Meanwhile, Mom was talking to his doctor, who sent his information to a third surgeon. This surgeon wanted to see Dad, so Mom went home to get him. The surgeon sent Dad to the hospital to have an abdominal scan. Mom said by this time Dad was in a lot of pain, and very uncomfortable.

They took Dad down for the abdominal scan. Mom said he had been gone for awhile, and she heard over the intercom “Cardiac Conference in CT Lab”, at first she thought it was Dad but convinced herself it wasn’t. He was here to have his gallbladder out. No one came and told Mom anything, she was pacing out in the hallway when an emergency room person walked by and asked if she needed help. Mom said yes, she wanted to know where her husband was. About that time, Dad’s nurse came to get Mom and tell her what was going on.

Dad had a major heart attack and it took them thirty-five minutes to revive him. He was non responsive and they were moving him up to CCU. When they got him in the room, they had to shock his heart twice more to establish a normal rhythm. At this point they didn’t know if Dad had had a stroke or not. They took him back down to do a brain scan. No sign of a stroke at this point. The next step was the heart cath. Again, Mom was told she would hear something in about 30 minutes. Three and a half hours later, my brother Chris, goes to find out what is going on.

During the heart scan is when Chris called myself and Louis. I wanted to drive the three hours home, by this time it is 10:30 at night, every convinces me to stay with Louis and Brenda and let Brenda have her scheduled surgery, they will call and let us know what is going on.

During this time, I made lots of calls. One to my Pastor, who called Chris to see what information he could get, and then he was calling me back. The other to my friend Christy who offered to drive to Fayetteville and be there with me if I needed her.

Dad had one blockage that was 100% blocked, they did a stint on the blockage, and moved him back to CCU. I took Brenda to have her surgery on Monday morning, and stayed with Alyssa until Louis got home, and then I drove back to Northwest Arkansas, and my mother at the hospital.
More to come later, but I need to stop for now.
Kelly

The birth of a Miracle

This year, more so than any other in the past, as been a huge trial for me. In January, my brother and his wife had a nine week premature baby. It was a very frightening experience, to say the least. They live in Springfield, MO. My parents and I drove up to be a part of the experience. Brenda, my sister in law, was in labor from about 8:00am on January 22nd until 9:00am on January 23rd. The doctor had come in that morning and said, it looks like things are slowing down, and we may have another 12 to 18 hours. 10 minutes later they were rushing Brenda to the OR to have an emergency C-section. The babies cord had prolapsed.

A few minutes later, my niece, Alyssa Clair, was born. She started breathing on her own and was a perfect baby. Just small. She weighed 3lbs 11oz. She stayed 3 weeks in the hospital, and as of yesterday is a healthy baby. A little over 11 pounds.

Brenda is 42 and Louis is 38. Brenda has a son, from a pervious marriage who is a junior in High School. When she and my brother first got married, four years ago, she told him she didn’t want to have a baby, and she was already experiencing some of the mid life changes in her body. Louis didn’t think he was able. They found out in October of 2005, they were pregnant. They had been talking about adopting a baby from overseas somewhere. God had other plans for their life. Alyssa is truly a miracle in every since of the word.

My Brother and Brenda were here this week end, and Aunt Kelly got to spoil Alyssa for a few days. I am going to have a lot of fun doing that.
Kelly

Getting Started

Hi Everyone,

My name is Kelly, and I live in Northwest Arkansas. My friend Christy suggested I start a blog, so I am giving this a try. Just a little about me first. I live in Northwest Arkansas, and I am a systems facilitator for Wal-Mart. The first four months of this year have been very busy, crazy, and hectic. I am finding myself feeling further away from God than I ever have before. I feel like I have faced so much in such a short amount of time. So, I am going to break down a couple of life changing events that have happened in my life, in a couple different posts.

Kelly